why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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