She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
