worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
