Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
