Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
