you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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