I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
