oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
