i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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