I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
