Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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