Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
