Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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