Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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