I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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