There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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