FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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