Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
