my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
