Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
