dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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