I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
