i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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