Buhtt sex?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
