Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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