I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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