I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
