I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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