That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
