I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Can you bring me the toilet please
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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