Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
