I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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