Umm I'm too high to move.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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