Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
