the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
