Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
