Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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