So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
