No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
