he thought i was a dude.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
