Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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