addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
