you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
