Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
