So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
