dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I could fuck to npr.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
