Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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