Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
