It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
