the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
