oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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