Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
